Values: Your Guide for Returning to Center
Trauma has a sneaky way of pulling us off course, creating distance not just from others but also from ourselves. It can leave us feeling unmoored, disconnected from the internal compass that helps us navigate life—our values. Reconnecting with these values is not just healing; it’s transformative. They provide a path back to center, helping us establish boundaries, recognize safety, and uncover meaning in our relationships and within ourselves.
How Trauma Creates Disconnection
When we experience trauma, our brain’s primary focus becomes survival. Fight, flight, freeze, or fawn—these responses are designed to protect us in the moment. But in the aftermath, they can leave us in a prolonged state of disconnection, making it hard to remember who we are and what matters to us.
Instead of acting in alignment with our values, we may find ourselves in reactive patterns:
People-pleasing or over-functioning to avoid conflict.
Isolating to feel safe but losing connection in the process.
Struggling with anger, resentment, or guilt that clouds our sense of purpose.
These responses aren’t character flaws; they’re survival strategies. But over time, they can eclipse our values, leaving us unsure of how to set boundaries, where we feel safe, and what brings meaning to our lives.
Recreating Your Roadmap
Rediscovering your values is like turning on a light in a dark room. It won’t erase the mess, but it lets you see clearly enough to start cleaning up. Here’s how to begin:
Identify Your Core Values
Start by reflecting on what truly matters to you. What qualities or principles guide you when you feel most aligned with yourself? Examples might include compassion, authenticity, courage, or creativity. If you’re not sure, think about moments when you felt most fulfilled or proud of your choices. What values were you honoring in those moments?Examine the Gap
Trauma can create a gap between your values and your current behaviors. For instance, if connection is a core value but isolation feels safer, it’s worth exploring how to bridge that divide. Compassionate self-inquiry can help here: “What’s preventing me from living in alignment with this value?”Use Values to Set Boundaries
Boundaries are often mislabeled as selfish, but in reality, they’re a declaration of what’s important to you. When you know your values, you can set boundaries that protect them. For example:If you value respect, you might limit interactions with people who consistently belittle you.
If you value honesty, you might practice saying no when you mean it instead of agreeing to avoid discomfort.
Define Safety Through Values
Trauma can make safety feel elusive, but values can help define it. Ask yourself: What does safety look like in alignment with my values? For example:If kindness is a core value, safety might involve being around people who treat you with care.
If independence matters to you, safety might mean having the freedom to make your own decisions.
Find Meaning Through Values
Living a values-driven life doesn’t mean you won’t face challenges or pain. But it does mean those challenges can feel purposeful. When you act in alignment with your values, even difficult experiences can bring a sense of meaning. This is especially powerful in relationships: prioritizing connection, integrity, or empathy can transform how you relate to others and yourself.
Conclusion: Putting It All Together
Reconnecting with your values is not a one-time task; it’s an ongoing practice. Start small. Choose one value to focus on today. Ask yourself, “How can I honor this in my next decision?” Over time, these small steps become second nature in your decision making, bringing you back to your center, back to yourself.
Healing from trauma is a journey, but your values can be the compass that guides you. They remind you of who you are beyond the survival strategies, helping you build a life rooted in authenticity, safety, and meaning—a life that feels like your own again.
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About the Author
Sara Walter Shihdanian (she/they) is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor specializing in trauma and gender + transition, providing virtual psychotherapy in Washington state. Her extensive training and unique expertise allows her to support clients who are ready for accelerated and lasting change.