The Quiet Shield: Denial In The Greif Cycle
When we think of denial, it's often framed as an obstacle—something to overcome, a stage to pass through quickly on our way to "proper" healing. But what if denial serves a deeper purpose in our grieving process? What if this maligned response is actually one of our mind's most sophisticated protection mechanisms? Often times we are grieving something long before we realize it and the moment the denial lifts is the moment we ‘come to’ about what others may have been watching us act out for some time. This is why I have placed this installment near the back of the series - because for many people, denial can occur somewhere in the thick of the messy, unpredictable sea of emotions much like life itself: unpredictable and unexpected, with the fog clearing only to finally illuminate all that came before it.
Denial As Protection, Not Obstruction
Denial isn't simply refusing to see the truth—it's our psyche's first line of defense when confronted with a reality that’s too painful to process all at once. In the landscape of unnamed grief—those losses that don't involve death but still hollow us out—denial functions as a buffer, a quiet shield that allows us to absorb life-altering change at a pace our hearts can manage.
Consider the end of a long-term relationship, a career derailment, a scathing comment from a friend or family member that changes the relationship forever, or a health diagnosis that makes things completely different now. In these moments, our mind might whisper: This isn't happening. Things will go back to normal. This isn’t as bad as it seems. This is just temporary. This isn't just delusion—it's also protection.
The Compassionate Timing of Denial
The beauty of denial lies in its timing. It appears precisely when we need it most—when the full weight of our reality would otherwise crush us. It dilutes the intensity of our pain, allowing us to function when we might otherwise collapse. It creates a necessary space between us and our raw emotions, giving us time to gather resources for the difficult work ahead.
In this way, denial isn't weakness—it's a kind of unconscious wisdom. It's our psyche saying: Not yet. You're not ready for all of this yet. Take it in pieces.
The Siren That Keeps Calling us Back
The grief cycle isn't linear. Anyone who's experienced profound loss knows this truth intimately. We don't pass through denial once, never to return. Instead, we may cycle back to denial repeatedly throughout our grieving process, particularly when:
A new layer of the loss reveals itself
The permanence of the situation suddenly returns to reality again
Our capacity for coping temporarily diminishes
A significant milestone or anniversary approaches
We face another life stress that depletes our emotional reserves
These returns to denial aren't regression—they're recalibration. Our minds retreat temporarily to gather strength for the next wave of processing. Each return is often more brief than the last as we gradually build capacity to hold more of the truth and to hold more of what’s real.
Chronic Denial: When Protection is a Prison
While temporary denial is healthy because it is protective, some people remain in extended states of denial throughout their lives in general or around certain topics. This prolonged denial isn't a character flaw but often reflects:
Trauma histories that have overwhelmed and impaired the person's coping abilities
Absence of social support to help metabolize difficult emotions
Early conditioning that emotions are dangerous or unacceptable
A neurodiversity based or temperamentally related sensitivity that makes emotional pain particularly unbearable
When someone remains in denial for years after a significant loss, they aren't being stubborn—its a reflection of how they’ve learned to survive. Their psyche has calculated, however unconsciously, that the cost of facing reality not only exceeds their current capacity to bear it but in some cases, might be under actual threat if they are confronted with it.
Denial vs. Avoidance: Similar Yet Distinct
Denial and avoidance are close cousins in the family of coping mechanisms, but they differ in significant ways:
Denial operates largely unconsciously. When we're in denial, we genuinely don't perceive or recognize aspects of reality. It's not a choice but an automatic protective response that happens to us. The person in denial will often genuinely believe this alternative narrative they are living in.
Avoidance, by contrast, contains an element of conscious awareness. The person avoiding typically knows, at some level, what they are steering clear of. Avoidance is a chosen strategy, even if that choice happens quickly or habitually. "I know this is happening, but I'm not going to think about it right now." Another way of thinking about it is that a person who is living in avoidance is actively side-stepping the difficult things in their life, while the person in denial is unaware that process is even happening.
The distinction matters because they require different approaches:
Denial benefits from gentle exposure to reality in manageable doses
Avoidance responds to exploring the fears driving the behavior and building tolerance for discomfort
Often, as we move through grief, denial naturally evolves into avoidance. This shift—from "This isn't happening" to "I know this is happening but I can't deal with it yet"—represents progress, not failure. It signals growing awareness, even if action still feels impossible.
Finding Balance: When to Honor Denial and When to Challenge It
How do we know when denial is serving us and when it's limiting us? These questions might help:
Is my denial giving me necessary breathing room, or is it preventing me from taking needed action?
Does my denial fluctuate, allowing glimpses of reality, or is it rigid and absolute?
Am I occasionally feeling the emotions underneath the denial, or am I completely numb?
Does my denial help me function, or is it impairing my daily life?
There's profound wisdom in allowing denial its place in our healing journey. There's equal wisdom in gently challenging it when it's time to move forward.
Embracing the Full Spectrum
These grief journeys require both protection and openness, both shield and vulnerability. Denial offers us the shield when we need it most. The courage to gradually lower that shield comes not from fighting against denial, but from honoring the protection it offered during those moments while building our capacity to face what lies beyond it.
In this light, denial isn't the enemy of healing—it's often its prerequisite, creating the conditions where we could get the break we needed, exhale, lower the shield, knowing deeper healing was possible. The next time you notice yourself or someone you love in denial about a painful reality, perhaps offer this gentle recognition: The shield is there because constantly facing grief is unsustainable; they’ll return when they’re strength does.
And if you need support, please reach out to a friend or to me. No one makes it through this alone.
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About the Author
Sara Walter Shihdanian (she/they) is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor specializing in trauma and gender + transition, providing virtual psychotherapy in Washington state. Her extensive training and unique expertise allows her to support clients who are ready for accelerated and lasting change.