Relational Trauma and the Narcissistic Parent
Narcissistic parenting isn’t about a diagnosis. Let me repeat. It isn’t about a diagnosis, it is instead about the traits that are so frequently discussed in popular culture recently and frequently taken out of context. That said, these traits leave a very strong impression because they are not just about having a difficult parent; it’s about growing up in an environment where love is given only under certain conditions, your emotions are disregarded, and your sense of self is shaped around someone else’s expectations. This kind of upbringing can leave deep, lasting wounds, but understanding the dynamics is the first step separating yourself from it and creating a path toward healing.
What is Relational Trauma?
Relational trauma happens when the people who are supposed to care for us and keep us safe—usually parents or caregivers—become a source of harm and danger instead. Unlike a single traumatic event, relational trauma occurs over time through chronic emotional neglect, manipulation, and control. Sometimes relational trauma is somewhat obvious to see from the outside looking in and other times it can be more subtle, but unfortunately still as corrosive. In some circumstances, more so. In general, because children have no skills to interpret these dynamics in other ways, these environments teach them that their feelings don’t matter unless they serve the parent’s needs, which teaches them that they don’t matter. This is how seemingly even seemingly more subtle forms of relational trauma can have long-term consequences on children’s mental health and relationships.
When a parent has narcissistic tendencies, behaviors, or traits, this dynamic becomes even more damaging because everything revolves around them—their needs, their image, their emotions. They even expect their children to adapt, perform, or disappear in order to uphold this dynamic.
Traits of a Narcissistic Parent
So, how do you know if you grew up with a narcissistic parent? Here are some key traits:
Lack of Empathy – Your feelings were often dismissed, minimized, or outright ignored.
Control and Manipulation – Everything, from your emotions to your choices, had to align with their expectations or opinions.
Conditional Love – Affection was given when you pleased them and withdrawn when you didn’t.
Blurred Boundaries (Enmeshment) – Your parent may have been overly involved in your life, treating you like an extension of themselves rather than an individual, based on an incapability to view you as your own separate person with your own views and experiences.
Excessive Criticism or Idealization – One minute, you were the golden child; the next, you were never good enough.
How This Affects Children in the Short Term
Growing up in this kind of environment can take a serious toll on a child’s emotional development. Some of the immediate effects include:
Anxiety & Depression: Without emotional safety, kids learn to suppress their feelings, leading to low mood and chronic stress, which children often report as frequent stomach aches, headaches, and sleep issues. Relational trauma in children has also been linked to disordered eating and obsessive compulsive disorder.
Low Self-Esteem: If love is conditional, children start believing they have to “earn” their worth.
Identity Struggles: When you’re raised to be always pleasing someone else, it’s hard to say no to adults even when you might have a gut feeling about it. Its also makes you feel lost and unsure of who you are.
Social Struggles: Without healthy models for relationships, children may have difficulty trusting or connecting with others.
Emotional Suppression: Expressing feelings might feel dangerous, so children learn to bury them instead.
How it Shows up in Adulthood
The effects of narcissistic parenting don’t just disappear when a child grows up. Many adult children of narcissistic parents experience:
Relationship Difficulties: They may attract partners who are emotionally unavailable, controlling, or dismissive even if they know it’s unhealthy—because that dynamic feels familiar.
Chronic Low Self-Esteem: No matter what they accomplish, they may struggle with feelings of inadequacy and chronic, low level loneliness.
Perfectionism & Burnout: Many become overachievers, believing their worth depends on success and proving themselves.
Emotional Dysregulation: Unprocessed pain often leads to anxiety, depression, or unhealthy coping mechanisms that can lead to their own issues, such as substance use disorders.
Boundary Issues: They may have trouble saying “no,” leading to resentment and emotional exhaustion.
Healing From Relational Trauma
If any of this sounds familiar, please know you are not alone—and you don’t have to stay stuck in these patterns. Healing is possible. Here’s where to start:
Seek Therapy: A trauma-informed therapist can help you untangle the emotional damage and build healthier patterns.
Set Boundaries: Even if your parent resists them, learning how to create and uphold boundaries will protect your mental health and build your sense of self.
Rebuild Self-Esteem: Engage in activities and relationships that reinforce your intrinsic worth.
Reconnect with Your Emotions: Learning to acknowledge and express feelings in a safe way is key.
Find Support: Whether it’s friends, a support group, or a therapist, surrounding yourself with people who respect and validate you is crucial.
Conclusion: Breaking the Cycle
While it may have left its mark on the past, relational trauma doesn’t have to define your future. By recognizing the impact of narcissistic parenting and actively working toward healing, you can break the cycle and create healthier, more fulfilling relationships—for yourself and future generations.
If this resonates with you, take a deep breath. You are seen, you are valid, you are worthy. You didn’t deserve the things that happened to you, and you are wildly capable of healing from it.
You don’t have to stay trapped in that old story. This is your life—and you get to write a new one.
Seeking a therapist to work through trauma, difficult relationships,
and build authenticity into your life?
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About the Author
Sara Walter Shihdanian (she/they) is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor specializing in trauma and gender + transition, providing virtual psychotherapy in Washington state. Her extensive training and unique expertise allows her to support clients who are ready for accelerated and lasting change.