Grief: The Dark Side of All Growth Work
When we embark on a journey of personal growth—whether through therapy, self-help, spiritual practice, or simple life experience—we're often sold the sunny side: transformation, liberation, authenticity, and wholeness. The glossy promises of becoming our "best selves" fill bookshelves and social media feeds.
What rarely makes the marketing materials is the unavoidable companion to all meaningful growth: grief.
The Loss Hidden Within Every Change
Every significant step forward requires leaving something behind. Every transformation demands a certain death of what once was. This isn't just poetic language—it's the psychological reality we face when doing the deeper, more healing work.
When we grow, we must also grieve:
The person we thought we were
The defenses that once protected us
Relationships that can't survive our evolution
Time we can't get back
Paths not taken
The comfort of familiar patterns, even harmful ones
Identities we've outgrown
Each of these losses requires mourning, yet we are rarely prepared for this darker emotional landscape.
The Grief That BlindSides Us
Perhaps you've experienced this: You've been making progress in therapy or in your life in general, developing healthier boundaries, recognizing patterns from your past. You should feel proud, empowered—and sometimes you do. But then comes the unexpected undertow of sadness, the disorienting anger, the emptiness that makes no logical sense given your "progress."
Welcome to growth grief. You're not doing it wrong. You're doing it right.
This grief can be particularly disorienting because it's often ambiguous. You're mourning something intangible—a version of yourself, a way of being in the world, or even the comforting delusions that once structured your reality.
A Particular Ache of Trauma Work
For those processing complicated relationships or relational trauma, this grief carries additional complexity and weight. As you recognize harmful patterns and understand their origins, you may find yourself grieving:
The childhood you deserved but didn't get
The carefree existence that trauma stole
The energy spent on survival rather than thriving
The self-blame you carried that was never yours to bear
The relationships you might have had without trauma's interference
This grieving process can feel like removing a splinter you've carried so long you forgot it was there—relief mixed with pain, emptiness where something familiar used to be. The bad things suddenly stinging more in a weird and unexpected way when you finally start to really connect with your worth.
Finding Your Way Through The Dark Side
So how do we navigate this shadow aspect of growth? A few thoughts:
1. Expect grief as part of the process
Rather than being surprised by these feelings, anticipate them as normal, necessary companions to change.
2. Create space for contradictory emotions
Growth often involves holding seeming opposites: relief and sadness, liberation and loss, gratitude and anger. Your emotional experience doesn't need to make logical sense, that’s not what they’re for.
3. Honor what's being left behind
Even dysfunctional patterns served you somehow. Acknowledging their purpose isn't the same as keeping them.
4. Find ritual in transition
Humans need markers for significant passages. Whether writing a letter to your past self, creating art about your journey, or simply pausing to acknowledge a shift, ritual helps metabolize grief.
5. Connect with others who understand
Growth grief can be isolating if those around you only expect positive emotions from your progress. Find spaces where the full spectrum of the growth experience is recognized.
The Integration
Eventually, with time and attention, growth grief transforms. It doesn't necessarily disappear, but it integrates into your expanding sense of self. The losses become part of your story rather than open wounds demanding attention.
In facing the darker emotions of growth, we discover a deeper authenticity than positive psychology alone could ever offer. We learn that wholeness isn't about perpetual happiness but about expanding our capacity to hold all of our human experience—including the grief that comes with change.
And perhaps most importantly, we discover that moving through grief, rather than around it, leads to the most sustainable transformations. The growth that acknowledges its shadow side creates roots strong enough to weather future storms.
So if you find yourself in that disorienting space where progress meets mourning, know that you haven't taken a wrong turn. You're exactly where transformation happens—in that messy, painful, beautiful space where what was meets what could be.
And in that space, grief isn't the enemy of growth. It's growth's most honest expression.
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About the Author
Sara Walter Shihdanian (she/they) is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor specializing in trauma and gender + transition, providing virtual psychotherapy in Washington state. Her extensive training and unique expertise allows her to support clients who are ready for accelerated and lasting change.