Tug-of-War: Navigating the Bargaining Stage of Grief in All Its Forms
If you’ve been reading often you may have noticed a theme recently: grief. We’ve been dancing around it as its often the case for many people. You are likely familiar with many of its aspects and dynamics, recognizing a heavy tone or unique weight to something but maybe not understanding why certain relationships or situations keep bringing out a kind of sadness? Maybe you keep trying to negotiate around this somehow to get this to change. There are 5 stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. However as in this blog as it occurs in life, they do not occur in order.
The bargaining stage has something particularly maddening about it. One moment, you’re accepting what happened; the next, you’re crafting elaborate deals with the universe that could somehow undo the loss. It's like being caught in an eternal tug-of-war with reality. And here's the thing about grief that nobody tells you: it isn't reserved only for when someone dies. It comes for us in countless forms—when relationships end, when friendships dissolve, when one of our dreams have to be abandoned, when our identities shift, when possibilities close, when the future we imagined disappears.
The Endless “What Ifs”
Your mind becomes a playground for "what if" scenarios that loop endlessly:
What if I had said something different that day? What if I had noticed the signs earlier? What if I had tried harder, been more patient, given more space? What if I had taken that opportunity when it was offered?
Each question pulls you back from moving forward, anchoring you to a past you desperately want to rewrite. The rational part of you knows these questions have no answers, yet you can't stop them from surfacing, especially at night when defenses are down and thoughts roam freely.
Bargaining With Forces Beyond Our Control
You find myself making silent promises to whatever forces might be listening:
If they would just come back into my life, I'll be different this time. If I could just get one more chance, I'll never take it for granted. If this situation could somehow reverse, I'll be a better person.
These pledges feel both ridiculous and completely serious in the moment. They exist in a space where logic doesn't apply, where desperate hope trumps reality. You know you can't negotiate your way back to the time before things changed, yet part of you refuses to accept this.
The Guilt That Fuels Bargaining
Behind every bargain is a current of guilt—sometimes subtle, sometimes overwhelming. You might catch myself thinking that if you had just done something differently, this pain could have been avoided. This guilt often becomes the fuel for more bargaining:
If I punish myself enough now, maybe I can earn forgiveness or redemption. If I can just figure out where I went wrong, I can prevent this from happening again. If I acknowledge all my faults, maybe the universe will grant me another chance.
It's exhausting to be your own prosecutor, judge, and jury all at once.
When Bargaining Meets Reality
The collision between bargaining thoughts and cold reality creates a cognitive dissonance that's hard to describe. Part of you is living in an alternate universe where deals can be struck and losses reversed. The other part knows with crushing certainty that no amount of pleading will change what's happened.
This dissonance makes everyday functioning difficult. How can you engage with the mundane when part of your mind is busy reconstructing the past? How can you plan for the future when you’re stuck negotiating with what could have been? And how on Earth can you even begin to really move one?
The Momentary Relief
The strange comfort of bargaining is that it gives an illusion of control. If I can just find the right deal, the right compromise, the right words—maybe things can be different. This false sense of agency provides momentary relief from the helplessness of grief. But like all stages of grief, bargaining doesn't resolve in a neat, linear fashion. It ebbs and flows, sometimes disappearing for days only to return with renewed force when triggered by a memory, a song, or an anniversary. It might resurface when you see someone who reminds you of what you've lost, or when you encounter a situation that echoes the past.
So in this way, bargaining can almost be thought of as the brain’s way of negotiating away from the intensity of the grief itself. Our work then is to recognize that it’s message is false, temporary, and fleeting. Which means it’s also not to be trusted and recognize it as a useful and valid part of the process, as an exercise in relief instead.
Finding Your Way Through
It would benefit most of use to learn to witness these bargaining thoughts without action or judgment. To acknowledge them as a natural part of grieving without letting them dictate our reality. Some days it will surely be easier than others.
The losses that don't have names—the ones society doesn't always recognize with casseroles and sympathy cards—these can be the hardest to process because we often grieve them alone. We question whether we even have the right to feel such profound sadness and turmoil over something others frequently dismiss, sometimes even those closest to us.
But grief is the same regardless. Whether we are mourning a death, a relationship, an opportunity or a dream lost, a changed identity, or a future that will never come to pass—the bargaining stage still catches us in its grip. On harder days, try to remember that bargaining is just one stop on the journey—not a place to build a home. The circular thoughts and feelings aren't signs of doing this "wrong"—they're evidence that you’re processing a loss that deeply matters, or certainly did at some point.
The tug-of-war may continue but neither side usually gets to win in ways we’re so often taught. We grow up to know that real life is much more complicated because usually many conflicting truths exist at once. So when you find yourself in the middle of the bargaining stage and holding space for those conflicting realities feels impossible, try not to judge yourself for being a messy person in the thick of a messy process. Its ok to be a human and just to be where you are.
And remember, if you’re in need of support, please reach out to a friend or to me. No one gets through this alone.
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About the Author
Sara Walter Shihdanian (she/they) is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor specializing in trauma and gender + transition, providing virtual psychotherapy in Washington state. Her extensive training and unique expertise allows her to support clients who are ready for accelerated and lasting change.